


Friends with Losers

by Edgelord (lostlikeme), MortuaryBee



Category: Danny Phantom, Gravity Falls, Hey Arnold!, Homestuck, Invader Zim, MS Paint Adventures, Powerpuff Girls, Rick and Morty
Genre: Alternate Universe, Canon-Typical Violence, Comedy, Coming of Age, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, F/F, F/M, Gross, Homestuck References, M/M, Multi, Multiple Crossovers, Non-Linear Narrative, Nostalgic Value, POV Second Person, Parody, Slurs, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-17
Updated: 2016-11-03
Packaged: 2017-12-26 20:48:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 47
Words: 5,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/970135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostlikeme/pseuds/Edgelord, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MortuaryBee/pseuds/MortuaryBee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is DIB MEMBRANE and you are currently trying to SAVE THE ENTIRE WORLD by helping an alien invader defeat a cherub in an ONLINE VIDEO GAME. Luckily, you and Zim have more than enough volunteers to build your army and ensure victory.</p><p>A cartoon crossover Homestuck styled Alternate Universe fic, in which a bunch of kids play a game, work in awkward pairs, almost kiss, and save the world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a fun multi-fandom Homestuck!AU experiment I'm working on. I'd love to turn it into a group project with lots of collaboration. Contact me if you're interested!

Your name is DIB MEMBRANE, and today is your THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAY. You are not dressed for the occasion because your birthday has never been important, choosing merely to wear your same old UNSMILING GRAY T-SHIRT and DARK BLACK TRENCH COAT. 

Unlike other teenagers, you are not stuffing your face with DELICIOUS BAKED GOODS. No, you are currently in the process of RESISTING SLEEP. You have to stay awake in order to spy on your NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR, who, unfortunately for you, is not an attractive female about to undress before your very eyes, but rather, an ALIEN LIFEFORM from the planet IRK. 

Equally unfortunate are your INTERESTS, most of which relate to THE PARANORMAL in some way, and are not at all shared by your PEERS. In particular, you enjoy MYSTERIOUS MYSTERIES, a television show that caters to your taste in the STRANGE and UNKNOWN. You also like to go up on your roof and use your TELESCOPE to search out the sky for any UNUSUAL ACTIVITY, especially ALIEN INVADERS.

You have a PASSION for UNCOVERING THE TRUTH, and you will shine light onto the enigmas of the world at ANY COST. Most people have called you INSANE ever since you told them you spotted BIGFOOT in your garage using the BELT SANDER when you were NINE YEARS OLD. That’s okay with you, because they called all of the GREAT VISIONARIES crazy, and this is just a sign that you are on your way to BEING ONE OF THEM.

The list of exceptions to the people who think you aren’t crazy is VERY SHORT. To be more precise, the list contains your three closest and only friends. You enjoy chatting with them even though sometimes they say things like, HEY, MAYBE YOU ARE CRAZY. You’ve been trying out a new chat client called PESTERCHUM, and so far you're not exactly crazy about it yourself, no pun intended. Your chumhandle is agentMothman for NOSTALGIC REASONS and you type in a manner that is both excited! and espeiallyrushed, because you are very enthusiastic about your INTERESTS and sometimes when you get extremely overzealous you even need to use capslock for EMPHASIS.

In the near future you will play a game with your three friends, in order to save PLANET EARTH from its IMMINENT DEMISE. This game, for convenient reference, DOES NOT YET EXIST.

But it will soon. What will you do?

**[===>Dib: Sneak up on the unsuspecting alien.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/1905470) **


	2. Chapter 2

You attempt to sneak up on the unsuspecting alien and expose him as the evil, megalomaniac trash that he is, but your new shoes are too loud on the rooftop and the alien’s antennae are far too sensitive to noise and vibrations. His house’s defense system is alerted and it sends you flying onto his front lawn, where he opens his door to mock you as his army of garden gnomes carry you to the pavement where they throw you unceremoniously. You dust off your trench coat and give the Irken Invader a menacing look.

DIB: ill be back, you just wait and see!!  
ZIM: I WILL SEE NOTHING DIB HUMAN. MY EYES WILL BE FOREVER CLOSED TO YOUR VICTORY!

After an almost successful scheme like that, you’re itching to tell someone. Zim has been up to no good lately, perhaps even less good than usual, and this time you’re worried that whatever plot he’s hatching might actually develop to fruition. Luckily, one of your friends is already online. Unfortunately for you, she isn’t the most easily convinced of your small circle. It’ll have to do.

**[===>Dib: Pester friend.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/1905485)**


	3. Chapter 3

  
\-- agentMothman [AM] began pestering piningPataki [PP] \--  


AM: i almost exposed zim to the world!  
AM: i was THIS CLOSE to exposing him for the alien tha theis!!!  
AM: i can see that you’re online you know  
PP: Criminy kid, you’re gonna give yourself a aneurysm  
AM: we’re the same age!  
AM: and thats besides the point  
PP: Just what the hell are you goin on about now?  
AM: i almost caugh tzim!!!  
PP: Yeah right  
PP: And Arnold almost wrote me a love letter confessing his tender feelings to me at last  
AM: im being serious right now  
PP: Whatever freakshow  
PP: Look, I don’t got time for you blathering your scifi bullshit at me  
PP: I’m busy, so shove off  
AM: what could be more important than the fate of the world!  
PP: For your information, I’m tryin to compose a love poem here  
AM: gee thanks for the support  
AM: i’ll be sure to remember this when i’m saving your life  
AM: when i’m savign the entire planet!  
PP: Yeah yeah  
AM: no thank sto you!!  
PP: I’ll be sure to remember you next time I visit the toilet  
PP: The scent will remind me a all the bullshit you’re shovellin my way  
PP: Now get lost loser I’ve got bigger fish to fry

  
\-- piningPataki [PP] ceased pestering agentMothman [AM] \--  


You’re not sure what you expected from a conversation with her. piningPataki is always ornery and discontent with everything in life. The exception to the rule is a boy that attends her school by the name of Arnold, a boy she never shuts up about. She doesn’t have much of an interest in your life and you aren’t particularly interested in hers, but you both pretend to care on the rare occasion that no one else is around to talk to.

Oh great. You wonder just what the hell this asshole wants, and how he even got ahold of your chumhandle in the first place. You are also fairly certain that he doesn’t grasp the concept of creating a chumhandle at all.

  
[===>Dib: Answer Alien.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/2183512)   



	4. Chapter 4

\-- invaderZim [IZ] began invading agentMothman [AM] \--

IZ: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!  
AM: wow zim  
IZ: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
AM: if this is all you came here to do i’m blocking you  
IZ: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
AM: yeah i’m gonna block you now  
IZ: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
IZ: NO! WAIT.  
IZ: ZIM COMMANDS YOU TO WAIT. 

\-- agentMothman [AM] has blocked invaderZim [IZ] \--

You’ve had it up to here with being mocked, and you definitely aren’t going to sit idly by and let an alien laugh at you through a chat client. You get enough of that in real life, at Hi-Skool. You decide to examine the posters, newspaper clippings, and other various forms of PARANORMAL PARAPHERNALIA pinned to your wall. 

[===>Dib: Examine posters.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/2183531)


	5. Chapter 5

You cannot examine the posters and other various forms of paranormal paraphernalia because you are too exhausted to do so.

[===>Dib: Be the alien instead.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/2183536)


	6. Chapter 6

Holy crapshooting fairies, that crazy kid with the big head wasn’t lying. Just who the hell is this wimpy excuse for a an alien warrior?

[===>Enter Name.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/2183542)


	7. Chapter 7

Your name is ZIM.

You are an ALMIGHTY IRKEN INVADER sent by your rulers, THE TALLEST, to destroy this PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A PLANET. It is a VERY SPECIAL MISSION, so very special that you were sent to an uncharted, unnamed planet at an undisclosed location. You have been working on your mission for SEVERAL EARTH YEARS, and with each passing day you come closer and closer to accomplishing your final goal: HOSTILE TAKEOVER. 

Despite being a full-time invader, you have several HOBBIES. You enjoy EXPERIMENTING ON HUMANS with manic fervor, especially when the experiments cause UNDUE PAIN to your victims. You get pretty excited from watching HORROR FLICKS, especially those known as TORTURE PORN. You spend much of your time thwarting the plans of the DIB HUMAN, whose plans are always to thwart your own. It is a VERY EXHAUSTING PROCESS. Still, it is definitely rewarding. You get a sort of WICKED GLEE out of watching him fail. 

As if the big-headed Dib human could ever outsmart a fine Irken Invader like yourself. Ha!

By far your favorite pastime is PLOTTING EVIL PLOTS, something of which you have become A SELF-DECLARED EXPERT in. The plan you are currently hatching is COMPLETELY TOP SECRET, but for the sake of the story you are going to divulge some information in the form of a STEREOTYPICAL EVIL MONOLOGUE.

[===>Zim: Reveal evil plan again.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/2183545)


	8. Chapter 8

ZIM: GIR! REMEMBER THE PLAN.  
GIR: wHATs tHe pLAn aGAIn?  
ZIM: OUR PLAN IS TO TAKE OVER THE EARTH!  
GIR: oh yEAAAh  
GIR: hOw we gONNa do tHAt?  
ZIM: I TOLD YOU ALL THIS BEFORE!  
ZIM: WEREN’T YOU LISTENING?  
GIR: nOOOPe  
ZIM: ARGH!  
ZIM: NOW LISTEN UP GIR.  
ZIM: I WON’T REPEAT MYSELF AGAIN!  
ZIM: WE ARE GOING TO START BY CREATING NONE OTHER THAN...  
ZIM: AN ADVANCED COMPUTER VIRUS!  
GIR: yAAAAy!  
ZIM: QUIET GIR. I’M NOT FINISHED.  
GIR: sORRy mASTEr!  
ZIM: APOLOGY ACCEPTED. DON’T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.  
ZIM: NOW...WHERE WAS I.  
ZIM: RIGHT! MY EVILEST OF ALL EVIL PLANS.  
ZIM: IT WILL NOT ONLY AFFECT THE COMPUTERS INFECTED WITH THE VIRUS, BUT ALL HUMANS WHO COME IN CONTACT WITH IT AS WELL!  
GIR: bUt hOw we gONNa gEt aLl tHe cOMPUTERs sICk mASTEr?  
ZIM: I’M SO GLAD YOU ASKED.  
ZIM: SO *VERY* GLAD.  
ZIM: I WILL DISGUISE MY CRAFTY COMPUTER VIRUS AS A HARMLESS VIDEO GAME.  
ZIM: IT WILL INFECT THE MIND AND COMPUTERS OF ALL WHO PLAY IT AND THEN FINALLY ULTIMATE POWER AND CONTROL WILL BE MINE!  
ZIM: NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO RESIST MY TAKEOVER  
ZIM: NOT EVEN THE STUPID MORONIC IDIOTIC *STUPID* DIB HUMAN.  
GIR: wHOAAAa  
ZIM: YES GIR.  
ZIM: BE AMAZED BY ZIM’S BRILLIANCE. BE AMAZED!  
GIR: im aMAZEd im aMAZEd!

[===>Zim: Get down to business.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/2183560)


	9. Chapter 9

You sit down in your swivel chair that’s less of a chair, and more of a throne. As it should be. You’ve grown much taller since Elementary Skool, and your longer vertebrates require much taller, sturdier, more powerful support. This one even has an indent so that you can lean back without your Pak pressing painfully into your back. Just as you’re about to finish up the final touches on your Ultimate Evil Plan, something interrupts you.

There’s a stranger initiating contact with you on the new chat client you recently installed. You only installed pesterchum as a way to taunt and ridicule the Dib human. You prefer to type in ALL CAPS because you feel it is more adequately read than the inferior lowercase. You prefer the color GREEN because it is the color of your skin, and thus, the color of your FELLOW IRKEN INVADERS.

[===>Zim: Answer unknown chum.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/2183564)


	10. Chapter 10

  
\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering invaderZim [IZ] \--  


uu: REMOVE YOURSELF. IMMEDIATELY.  
uu: FROM THE PLANET.  
uu: WHICH IS RIGHTFULLY MINE.  
IZ: FOOLISH HUMAN. THIS PLANET IS PROPERTY OF THE IRKEN ARMADA!  
IZ: WAIT! WHO IS THIS?  
uu: FUCK YOU AND YOUR PRESUMPTIONS.  
uu: I AM NONE OTHER THAN  
IZ: WHO IS THIS?  
IZ: IS THIS THE DIB HUMAN?  
uu: NO. I AM NONE OTHER THAN  
IZ: YOU CAN’T FOOL ME DIB HUMAN.  
IZ: I WILL HAVE MY PLANET AND EAT IT TOO!  
uu: WHAT.  
IZ: YOU THINK YOU CAN FOOL THE *ALMIGHTY ZIM?*  
IZ: THIS ENTIRE PLANET WILL BE MINE!  
IZ: WHEN I’M FINISHED HERE YOU WILL BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR TALLER SMARTER SUPERIOR MASTER!  
uu: STOP TALKING.  
uu: I AM NONE OTHER THAN.  
uu: LORD ENGLISH.  
IZ: EH?  
uu: I SAID. I AM NONE OTHER THAN.  
uu: LORD ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!!!  
IZ: EH?  
IZ: OH. CALIBORN? THE CHERUB?  
uu: YES. EXACTLY.  
uu: IS YOUR PUNY IRKEN HEART STRICKEN WITH FEAR?  
IZ: HEY, I KNOW YOU! AREN’T YOU THE ONE THAT PREDOMINATED TOO EARLY?  
uu: LIES!  
IZ: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
uu: LIES. SLANDER.  
uu: CEASE YOUR LAUGHTER.  
uu. IMMEDIATELY.  
IZ: AHAHAHAHA!  
uu: STOP THIS. AT ONCE.  
uu: OR I WILL BE FORCED TO.  
uu: TAKE DRASTIC MEASURES.  
IZ: HA! I DO NOT FEAR YOUR STINKY CHERUB ODOR, FULL OF DUMB AND *POOP!*  
uu: WHAT? DISGUSTING.  
uu: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT.  
uu: WITH MATTERS OF THE FECAL VARIETY.  
IZ: EARTH IS OFFICIAL IRKEN PROPERTY, STUPID.  
IZ: PIPE DOWN AND LEARN YOUR PLACE IN INTERGALACTIC SOCIETY.  
uu: I WAS HERE. FIRST.  
IZ: *NONSENSE* I HAVE BEEN HERE FOR SEVERAL EARTH YEARS.  
IZ: CHECK YOUR UNCIVILIZED SNAKEY CHERUB FILES. THE ARMADA HAS CLEARANCE FOR THIS PLANET.  
IZ: AND BEFORE YOU GO, CHANGE THE COLOR OF YOUR TEXT.  
IZ: I KNOW THAT IMITATION IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF FLATTERY, BUT THIS IS CONFUSING AND STUPID. IT REEKS OF *STUPID*!

  
\-- invaderZim [IZ] has blocked undyingUmbrage [uu] \--  


You can’t believe that dunderheaded cherub actually thought he had any rights to your planet. This planet has been yours since the day you implanted your foot into it’s soft, squishy soil. You finish up your Ultimate Evil Plan and eject the disk from your computer.

You are about to play a game that will bring PLANET EARTH to it’s IMMINENT DEMISE. This game, for convenient reference, NOW EXISTS. You aren’t quite sure why you ejected the disc in the first place, because you have to return the disc to your computer in order to upload the virus online.

[===>Zim: Upload the virus online.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/2183613)


	11. Chapter 11

Unfortunately, you cannot upload the virus online because after SUCH HARD WORK, it is only fair that you take a SNACK BREAK. Snacks are a vital necessity for every healthy young Irken, and you are no exception. Besides, it smells like Gir’s making waffles.

[===>Zim: Be the DIB HUMAN instead.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/2183622)


	12. Chapter 12

You cannot be the DIB HUMAN because he has just witnessed Zim’s new plan of UNSPEAKABLE HORRORS. He is too busy pulling out his hair and trying to figure out a WAY TO STOP him, unaware that stopping ZIM is completely IMPOSSIBLE.

[==>Dib: Be the OTHER KID instead.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/2183629)


	13. Chapter 13

You are now the OTHER KID. Where’s the formal introduction? You’d like that, wouldn’t you? There’s no time. You’re kind of in the middle of something here. 

[===>Express your feelings through poetry.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/16234544)


	14. Chapter 14

  
Arnold my love,  
My sultry teen,  
Why must I hold you  
only whilst I dream?  
Will I be forever enslaved by your spell?  
Why must I worship you and never ever tell?  
Arnold, you make my girlhood tremble,  
My senses all go wacky.  
Someday, I'll tell the world, my love...  
Or my name's not Helga G. Pataki!  


[]()[===>Enter name.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/16234613)


	15. Chapter 15

Your name is Helga G. Pataki, extra sauce, hold the bullshit.

Sit down, and shut up. Here’s what you’re not gonna do. For starters, you’re not gonna waste your time describing your “INTERESTS.” Nobody needs to know of your fondness for POETRY or that STUPID FOOTBALL HEAD. You’re also not gonna describe your HOBBIES, like STALKING THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE, or working on the GUM STATUE in your closet. You’ll save that kind of shit for THERAPY, thank you very much. 

You’re not like OTHER GIRLS, and in fact, you can’t relate to your classmates at all. Only one person truly understands you, and that person is ARNOLD. Ever since he shared his umbrella with you that FATEFUL DAY IN PRESCHOOL, you’ve been unconditionally, irrevocably IN LOVE. 

Admittedly, you’re also a bit of a HARDASS. Some people might even call you a BULLY. At this point you’ve got a reputation to uphold, so most of your VENTING takes place on THE INTERNET. You go by the username piningPataki, for reasons that are both OBVIOUS and EMBARRASSING.

[===>Answer chum.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/16234700)


	16. Chapter 16

  
\-- agentMothman [AM] began pestering piningPataki [PP] \--  


AM: i almost exposed zim to the world!  
AM: i was THIS CLOSE to exposing him for the alien tha theis!!!  
AM: i can see that you’re online you know  
PP: Criminy kid, you’re gonna give yourself a aneurysm  
AM: we’re the same age!  
AM: and thats besides the point  
PP: Just what the hell are you goin on about now?  
AM: i almost caugh tzim!!!  
PP: Yeah right  
PP: And Arnold almost wrote me a love letter confessing his tender feelings to me at last  
AM: im being serious right now  
PP: Whatever freakshow  
PP: Look, I don’t got time for you blathering your scifi bullshit at me  
PP: I’m busy, so shove off  
AM: what could be more important than the fate of the world!  
PP: For your information, I’m tryin to compose a love poem here  
AM: gee thanks for the support  
AM: ill be sure to remember this when im saving your life  
AM: when im savign the entire planet!  
PP: Yeah yeah  
AM: no thank sto you!!  
PP: I’ll be sure to remember you next time I visit the toilet  
PP: The scent will remind me a all the bullshit you’re shovellin my way  
PP: Now get lost loser I’ve got bigger fish to fry

\-- piningPataki [PP] ceased pestering agentMothman [AM] \--  


[===> You’ve already read this pesterlog!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/16234865)


	17. Chapter 17

What a load of bullcrap. You receive a memo request before you have time to log off.

[===>Open memo.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/16234928)


	18. Chapter 18

  
\-- agentMothman [AM] has created a memo on board ZIM’S EVIL PLAN --  


DP: The other day I had a dream that while my sister and I shared the womb together, we talked to each other.  
PP: Criminey  
PP: What did she say?  
DP: She said she was glad she decided not to absorb me!  
AM: can we stay on toppic here?  
AM: this is getting kind of weird  
DP: which is honestly saying a lot coming from dib  
AM: keep it in your personal emails people  
PP: What’s this memo for, anyway?  
AM: i was getting to that!  
AM: zim has created   
DP: ?  
DP: He’s probably typing one of his diatribes again.  
PP: I don’t have time for this crap right now

[===>Close memo.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/16234976)


	19. Chapter 19

You really don’t have enough fucks left to give.

[===>Be DP instead.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/16235003)


	20. Chapter 20

No, the other DP!

[===>Be the OTHER DP.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/16235015)


	21. Chapter 21

You are now the ghost instead, congratu-fuckin-lations.

[===>Enter Name.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/16235024)

  



	22. Chapter 22

You cannot enter a name because you already have one, and that name is DANIEL FENTON, though you prefer to be called DANNY. You have a variety of INTERESTS, and GHOST HUNTING is at the top. This is kind of IRONIC, because you are actually HALF-GHOST yourself, thanks to some malfunctioning technology of your parents’ that you probably shouldn’t have fooled around with. It doesn’t matter now, because thanks to them you’re basically a SPECTRAL SUPERHERO, with an ever-updating list of BADASS SUPER POWERS. 

You have a PASSION for KICKING BUTT and TAKING NAMES, but you also enjoy spending time with your GIRLFRIEND. Sometimes you guys even MAKE OUT, which is pretty much your new FAVORITE THING. Your strange HOBBY makes it difficult to make new friends, so in order to satisfy your need to socialize beyond that which your current friends can offer, you have decided to try the INTERNET.

You have made a few new friends this way, but mostly you just look at PORNOGRAPHY. You have a pretty high threshold for WEIRD SHIT happening around you, but sometimes even you find the stories that DIB MEMBRANE tells you a little HARD TO SWALLOW. Come on, BIG FOOT using the BELT SANDER? What would he even need a belt sander for?

The user name dannyPhantom is synonymous with your SUPERHERO ALIAS.

[===>Pester chum.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/16235108)


	23. Chapter 23

  
\-- ??? [DP] began pestering dannyPhantom [DP] \--  


DP: have you heard from Dib recently?  
DP: Is he spamming you too?   
DP: big time  
DP: Zim’s got another big plan right?  
DP: that’s what tucker’s tapes revealed  
DP: like they always do  
DP: I’ve seen some stuff most people wouldn’t believe.   
DP: ditto  
DP: but sometimes, i’m not so sure about dib  
DP: Is this about the belt sander?  
DP: can you think of anything a primate would need power tools for??  
DP: You gotta let it go.   
DP: ugh hes sending a memo request  
DP: I know.

[===>Open the memo.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/16235279)


	24. Chapter 24

  
\-- agentMothman [AM] has created a memo on board ZIM’S EVIL PLAN --   


DP: The other day I had a dream that while my sister and I shared the womb together, we talked to each other.  
PP: Criminey  
PP: What did she say?  
DP: She said she was glad she decided not to absorb me!  
AM: can we stay on toppic here?  
AM: this is getting kind of weird  
DP: which is honestly saying a lot coming from dib  
AM: keep it in your personal emails people  
PP: What’s this memo for, anyway?  
AM: i was getting to that!  
AM: zim has created   
DP: ?  
DP: He’s probably typing one of his diatribes again.  
PP: I don’t have time for this crap right now  
AM: a hostile computer virus designed as a video game  
DP: oh no, alert McAfee  
DP: Heh, that was a good one.  
AM: it doesnt just effect compmuters!  
AM: it effects PEOPLE as well!  
AM: asdjksdfhskthr  
AM: lfjsdgjkdhgfdhriuthye!  
AM: zIM!  
DP: Are you finished?  
AM: you need to download this immediately!!  
AM: https://www.hostiletakeover.mu   
DP: wow, that looks safe  
AM: do you want to save the world or not???  
DP: what kind of question is that?  
DP: I save the world everyday!  
AM: you save your city or town maybeb ut this is the WORLD at stake!  
DP: isn’t it a virus? shouldn’t we be avoiding it?  
DP: That's what I was thinking.  
AM: yes!  
AM: i mean no  
AM: jsut   
AM: trust me on this ok  
AM: you won tregret it!!

[===>https://www.hostiletakeover.mu](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/16235345)


	25. Chapter 25

You sigh, and click the ad cluttered download link. It downloads suspiciously fast, before faltering on ninety-nine percent for over twenty minutes. You’re pretty sure that’s also part of Zim’s evil plan. You decide to go to the bathroom while the download completes, and on the way back you find that your room is gone. You can’t handle this many bad decisions in one day.

[===>Danny: Be the unofficial paranormal investigator.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/16235405)


	26. Chapter 26

[===>Danny: Be DIB.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/16235456)


	27. Chapter 27

No, not that paranormal investigator. The other one.

[===>Danny: Be the OTHER OTHER DP.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/19378387)


	28. Chapter 28

Your name is DIPPER PINES, and you are spending yet another summer in GRAVITY FALLS with your GRUNKLE STAN and your TWIN SISTER. Lots of strange things happen around here that REALITY FAILS TO EXPLAIN. 

Your hobbies include SOLVING PUZZLES, FALLING INTO HOLES, and NOT DYING. You spend a lot of time chasing after ghosts, goblins, garden gnomes, and giants--THE LIST GOES ON. Everything you know about the PARANORMAL you learned from a MYSTERIOUS BOOK with a NUMBER 3 ON IT. You can’t wait to get to the bottom of some of the mysteries around here. 

When you aren’t crushing on WENDY, you talk to a couple paranormal investigators you met through the SWOLLEN EYEBALL NETWORK. Usually you don’t take the stuff agentMothman says seriously, but TODAY, you’re starting to get a little worried. 

===>[Pester [DP]](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/19378450)


	29. Chapter 29

  
\-- dipperPines [DP] began pestering dannyPhantom [DP] \--  


DP: You’re not really installing it, are you?  
DP: Hello?  
DP: Dude, come on.  
DP: Are you serious?  
DP: We were just questioning the validity of half the stuff that comes out of that Dib kid’s mouth

  
\-- dannyPhantom [DP] is an idle chum --  


[===>Pester majesticPony [MP].  
](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/19378633)


	30. Chapter 30

  
\-- dipperPines [DP] began pestering majesticPony [MP] \--  


DP: Something really weird is going on.  
MP: weird stuff? Gimme the skinny!  
DP: Remember Dib?  
MP: the kid with the really big head?  
DP: Yeah, him!  
MP: Did he catch the lochness monster using the lawn mower again?  
DP: Not this time…  
DP: He sent me and Danny a link, and then they both stopped responding.  
MP: SUSPICIOUS  
DP: I think so to. And look at this bogus link:  
DP: https://www.hostiletakeover.mu   
MP: = O = O = O  
MP: wow!!! this looks amazing  
MP: is this multiplayer?  
MP: EVERYTHING is customizable!!  
DP: Don’t download it!  
MP: TOO LATE

  
\-- majesticPony [MP] ceased pestering dipperPines [DP] \--  


[===>Be the better twin.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/19378675)


	31. Chapter 31

You name is MABEL PINES, and you are the better twin, aren’t you? You’re also the eldest twin, by FIVE WHOLE MINUTES. Poor Dipper, he’s still trying to catch up. When you aren’t helping out your little brother with specters and zombies, you enjoy SLEEPOVERS, MAKEOVERS, and BEING TOTALLY RANDOM.

Your INTERESTS include SINGING, BOYS, and MAKING SWEATERS. Your best friend is a pig, and you like it that way. There are only two things you like more than SPARKLES and BEING SILLY, and that’s SIMULATION GAMES and ROMANCE. 

This brand new FREE game has ALL OF THE ABOVE, and THEN SOME!

[===>Mabel: Read advertisement.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/19378702)


	32. Chapter 32

[==>DOWNLOAD NOW! CLICK HERE! INSTA-INSTALL. INSTA-INCREDIBLE.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/19378792)


	33. Chapter 33

This is gonna be great! As soon as it finishes downloading, anyways.

[==>Mabel: answer chum.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/19378825)


	34. Chapter 34

  
\-- bubblyBunny [BB] began pestering majesticPony [MP] \--  


BB: omggg  
BB: maaaabel  
MP: BUBBLES  
BB: sensitive thugz just came out with a new album!   
MP: O  
MP: M  
MP: G  
MP: i’m still trying to recover from that UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL interview with deep Chris  
BB: chance is the real qt  
MP: YOU’RE THE REAL QT  
BB: teeheehee  
MP: Oh hey!  
MP: i just remembered why I messaged you  
MP: take a look at this link my brother sent me  
MP: Ready 2 Play Y/Y?  
BB: yaaaay!!  
BB: YYY  
BB: i luuuuuuuuv games!  
MP: https://www.hostiletakeover.mu   
BB: ...customize ur  
BB: ...butthole?

\-- BubblyBunny [BB] ceased pestering majesticPony [MP] \--  


[===>Pester Morty](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/19378888)


	35. Chapter 35

\-- majesticPony [MP] began pestering mainMorty [MM] \--

MP: hey morty!  
MP: bet you haven’t heard offff  
MP: HOSTILE TAKEOVER  
MM: oh huh. I dunno mabel   
MM: Im pretty done with the games for a while  
MM: What with all the space adventures and all its just not really doin it for me  
MM: :-T  
MP: but its MULTIplayer!!!  
MP: ;-P  
MP: it’s got all kinds of customizations and a jetpack!  
MP: and like a bajillion weapons!  
MP: you can fly around and blow stuff up at the same time!  
MM: Gee, that does sound pretty cool   
MM: Rick’s suits don’t even fly  
MP: https://www.hostiletakeover.mu   
MP: REEEADDYYYYY  
MP: SET  
MM: …?

\-- majesticPony [MP] is now an idle chum --

[===> Be the OTHER OTHER grandkid.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/19378921)  



	36. Chapter 36

Your name is MORTY SMITH. You are a fourteen year old highschool STUDENT. Sort of. You can’t actually remember the last time you attended class but you are DEFINITELY STILL ENROLLED. You learn the important lessons from your GENIUS GRANDPA RICK, so you’re not missing much. 

Your interests include JESSICA, the beautiful redheaded girl in your class, and MASTURBATION. They are often related. You don’t talk to her much, but that’s probably because you spend most of your time off planet, or off universe, or off...time? You still aren’t really sure about that one. Like many things that happen with Rick, you TRY NOT TO THINK about it.

You accompany him on his WACKY ADVENTURES nine times out of ten. Sure, sometimes they’re the space equivalent of a 7-11 run, but it beats math every time. According to your father, JERRY you have some kind of LEARNING DISABILITY, but that’s never really stopped you before. George W. Bush wasn’t the sharpest crayon in the box, and he was elected for two consecutive terms.

[===> MORTY: Answer chum.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/19379002)


	37. Chapter 37

\-- majesticPony [MP] began pestering mainMorty [MM] \--

MP: hey morty!  
MP: bet you haven’t heard offff  
MP: HOSTILE TAKEOVER  
MM: oh huh. I dunno mabel   
MM: Im pretty done with the games for a while  
MM: What with all the space adventures and all its just not really doin it for me  
MM: :-T  
MP: but its MULTIplayer!!!  
MP: ;-P  
MP: it’s got all kinds of customizations and a jetpack!  
MP: and like a bajillion weapons!  
MP: you can fly around and blow stuff up at the same time!  
MM: Gee, that does sound pretty cool   
MM: Rick’s suits don’t even fly  
MP: https://www.hostiletakeover.mu   
MP: REEEADDYYYYY  
MP: SET  
MM: …?

\-- majesticPony [MP] is now an idle chum --

[===> You’ve already read this pesterlog.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/19379035)  



	38. Chapter 38

[===>Morty: download game.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/19379071)


	39. Chapter 39

Aw man. This is gonna take way longer than you thought, and now you have no one to talk to. The file is so big your computer is practically useless while you wait. You could do your homework.

[===>Morty: jerk off.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/19379092)


	40. Chapter 40

Yeah right! Like anyone would wanna read about a pimply fourteen year old boy fap to regular old human porn. Disgusting.

[===> Be the OLD MAN instead.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/19379140)


	41. Chapter 41

Your name is RICK SANCHEZ. In a strictly linear sense you are an EIGHTY year old NIHILIST with a penchant for SCIENCE, TIME TRAVEL, and INVENTION. Your main interest is numbing your internal hatred and intensely APATHETIC worldview with hard NARCOTICS and ALCOHOL from across the multiverse. You spend most of your time on WACKY ADVENTURES with your IDIOT GRANDSON, Morty. For the most part they’re glorified intergalactic errands but considering the SENSITIVE NATURE of your inadvisable and often ILLEGAL HOBBIES there’s no lack of DANGER, or in the case of your grandson, APPREHENSION.

Morty also serves as your convenient wave BUFFER against OTHER RICKS from across the multiverse who consider you their ROGUE counterpart. You refuse to subscribe to their IRONIC and RESTRICTIVE GOVERNMENT.

You may have ACCIDENTALLY committed PLANETARY GENOCIDE and are a wanted criminal on more planets than you care to remember BUT you are generally a GOOD PERSON. Or at least you would be if the concepts of GOOD and EVIL weren’t OVERLY CONTRIVED SIMPLIFICATIONS meant to placate the average mind.

[===>Rick: Portal home.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/19379191)


	42. Chapter 42

You stumble into the dingy garage that acts as a base of operations. You aren’t sure whether you’re more drunk, high, or tired, but at this point it doesn’t affect your life unless you put in some serious effort. Fortunately for you, a quick stop at the Andromedan Black Market ensured you didn’t have to.

[===> Bother the little shit](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/19379230)


	43. Chapter 43

RICK: Morty?  
MORTY: J-just a second.  
RICK: Ew, I’ll come back later.  
MORTY: What? No!  
MORTY: Come on man. I’m just st-st--playing a game.  
RICK: What kinda lame ass piece of shit game could even run on that fucking dinosaur--oh my god!  
RICK: Morty, no! That’s a virus, you idiot!  
MORTY: Aw, geeze.  
MORTY: This feels really weird. W-what do I do?  
RICK: No shit, MOorty. It’s not everyday your atoms get broken down into code and reprogrammed into alien spyware. That’s gotta feel pretty fucked up.  
MORTY: Shit, I’m disappearing!  
MORTY: Rick? You gotta help me!  
RICK: That’s not a game, genius. It’s a rogue nanovirus bent on destroying basically everything it can get its grubby little digits on. Whatever asshat made this doesn’t have any idea what they’re doing. This poorly made piece of junk is proObably what that little green motherfucker in Andromeda wanted my purified obsidian core for.  
MORTY: S-so you helped this guy make it? What the hell, Rick!?  
RICK: No, I mistakenly assumed he wasn’t a complete moron and wanted to do his business as far away from home as possible. I didn’t think he’d use it here. What the fuck is an Irken doing on Earth? Whatever. I’m never taking Squanchy’s advice on intergalactic drug-trade ever again. Even if his shit is hella pure. Look, I can’t stop the process this far along.  
MORTY: What!? Rick! You can’t just-you can’t--You’ve gotta stop this thing!  
RICK: You’re just gonna have to wing it Morty. You can do it. I have faith in you Morty. You-you just gotta buckle down. I’ll contact you when I can. You got this. Shouldn’t be more than an hour. Or-or maybe longer. I vomited three times on the stairs Morty. I barely made it this far. I’m pretty fucking wasted here, okay? Your timing is real-real shit Morty. You could at least wait for me to sober up before you start fucking with alien technology this advanced.  
MORTY: Fuck fuuck. My arm! Where’s my arm?!  
RICK: Calm down. You’re fine. The program is installing you into the virus’ simulated reality in parts. It’s usually instantaneous but the piece of shit virus riddled dinosaur on your desk can’t handle the processing power so it’s taking longer than usual.  
MORTY: W-well how long do I have?  
RICK: Judging by the current rate I’d say about...five, ten seconds? Don’t trust anything you see, don’t talk to anyone, and don’t touch anything until I contact you.  
MORTY: But, Rick!

[===> Rick: check dinosaur.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/19379251)


	44. Chapter 44

Judging by the blinking green typography taking up the screen the so-called “game” is called HOSTILE TAKEOVER. You roll your eyes. At least this guy’s got originality. 

The game finally boots up and it looks like Morty’s messaging system is still intact. The glipglop had some help.

[===> Bother Stan’s brat.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/19379332)


	45. Chapter 45

  
\-- mainMorty [MM] began pestering majesticPony [MP] \--  


MM: Wow. Congratulations, kid!  
MM: You just got yourself into a whole other kind of shit storm. Does your uncle know about this? You and your snot of a brother don’t know what the fuck you’re messing with.  
MM: Now, who the squanch did you give that game to?  
MP: who’s got squanch?  
MM: Stop fuckin’ around, Pines. Who’d you give it to?  
MP: well when a mommy game and a daddy game  
MP: love each other very much  
MM: Hooolyshit, Pines. Cough it up or your twitter gets it. I’m talking like hairy grandpa ball pic level.  
MM: I could wipe you from social media.  
MM: But Stan’s balls are at least 90% funnier.  
MP: ever heard of a little game  
MP: QUID PRO QUO CLARICE  
MM: QUID PRO QUIT IT  
MM: You care about who you gave that game to?   
MM: Give me the name or they’re fucked  
MM: I mean like royally fucked.   
MM: Cease to exist fucked.  
MP: sheesh, you’re no fun!  
MP: i only gave it to bubbles  
MM: Give me her handle.  
MP: BubblyBunny

  
\-- mainMorty [MM] ceased pestering majesticPony [MP] \--  


[===>Rick: Pester Professor Utonium’s lab accident.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/19379419)


	46. Chapter 46

  
\-- mainMorty [MM] began pestering bubblyBunny [BB] \--  


MM: Don’t download that game.  
BB: Y? We were gunna play it 2gether ;( CoonPounder69 says it's super fun!  
MM: Just don’t fucking download it, alright? I don’t have time to explain.  
BB: U jerk!   
BB: U spend too much time with that smelly old grandpa!  
MM: Oh, yeah. A flying mutated midget child with no fingers and fire-shooting plate pupils is soOO0OOoooo much better. We can’t all smell like sugar and sparkles, sweetheart.

  
\-- bubblyBunny [BB] has blocked mainMorty [MM] \--  


Shit. That was less than effective. You may have gone about this a little ass-backwards. Maybe you can get something useful from the other not-your-grandkid.

[===>Rick: pester the other dipshit.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/970135/chapters/19379518)


	47. Chapter 47

  
\-- mainMorty [MM] began pestering dipperPines [DP] \--  


  
MM: You little shit.  
DP: I told her not to download it!  
MM: That boat came, crashed, and sunk.   
DP: Is Mabel okay?  
MM: Only if we act fast.  
MM: We’re going to need a shit ton of manpower to beat this thing. And for all our sakes leave the duplicates out of it this time. One set of mystery midgets is enough.  
DP: That was one time! And you’re one to talk.   
DP: At least I don’t have a whole congress of me. So what if I haven’t hit my growth spurt yet?  
MM: WOW.   
MM: The level of eavesdropping you had to achieve to obtain that information is astonishing. Good job blowing your own horn, idiot.   
MM: And it’s a counsel not a congress. Ricks don’t believe in democracy. And alternates aren’t duplicates.   
MM: If anyone in the multiverse wanted there to be just one Rick more than any Jerry, it’s me, The Rickest Rick, The Ricker than all the other Ricks.   
MM: Besides, the only long-lasting and genetically stable way of obtaining duplicates is cloning and trust me, nothing is worth a second puberty.  
DP: Yeah, I’m still struggling with the first one.  
MM: I wouldn’t call it good. But seriously, where’d you get the game?  
DP: You know, I don’t actually have to tell you anything. It’s not like we’re related.  
MM: Might as well be with the amount I plow your uncle.  
MM: OOOOOOOOHH!  
DP: Ew, god. That was so unnecessary.  
MM: I might spare you the details if you play along. And man you do not need to know some of the shit we do.  
DP: Ugh, fine. Just stop!  
MM: I mean I already knew I was a freak, but damn.  
DP: I said okay! I got it from agentMothman so shut up already.  
MM: Dib Membrane? That Mothman? What, is that like, a handle?  
DP: I guess.  
MM: Motherfucker gets everywhere.  
DP: What?  
MM: Nothing. But no bullshit this guy is Dib Membrane? Like professor Membrane’s kids? Huh. I mean seriously? Dib? What the fuck is a Dib?

  
\-- mainMorty [MM] is now an idle chum. --  


===>Be The Dib


End file.
